My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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