Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
