I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
