On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize