I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
