she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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