I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
