You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize