fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
