I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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