Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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