god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
