Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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