Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
