i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize