i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
