Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
