I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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