Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
