he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
