did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize