The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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