The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
