I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
