ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
