I must be too annoying 4 u.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
