My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
