youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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