my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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