who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
