Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
