You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
