i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
