i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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