highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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