Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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