Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
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