the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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