the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
