i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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