even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
So apparently I’m into choking now
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
