she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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