New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
