I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
