I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
