I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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