I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
