is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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