tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
