he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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