I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
