I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
