Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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