I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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