i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
