I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
