Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Less talking, more tequila
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
