You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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