why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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