I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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