Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
