If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
