I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
